I'm the biggest fool in the world; to give my trust to someone so easily, believing that as long as you're true to that someone, he/she will be true to you too.

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Read more: M2M - The Day You Went Away Lyrics | MetroLyrics

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many things have changed. and I still cant get used to all these changes. im feeling so lonely, yet I've no one to confide to. i don know who i can talk too. everyone's having their own life, and they seem to pretty enjoy it. but, im not enjoying my life at all. I felt like i have gave up my life, and  i know i shouldn't, but i cant help it too. im not in the mood for anything. im envy of my friends. they have people that they cared for and cared for them. but I've (none). it feels so heartbreaking when u miss someone alot, but u're pretty sure they don think of u as much as u think of them. sighhhh


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does miracles really exist? How i wish miracles could happen in my life.
this is such a torture. one month of nightmare, and when will I be able to wake up from this nightmare? when will this nightmare stop and turn into a beautiful dream instead?

sigh, that feeling when someone is constantly on ur mind, but u know that that person is trying to forget about u, and u're never on his mind.

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I just need a shoulder, a shoulder that i can rest on to. When u depend too much on someone, you will fall too hard, until you don even know how to get up. no one can help me, but i cant help myself too. maybe thats why god gave me a short life span?

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I don't wanna give up. It just happens too suddenly. up till today, I still don't know what exactly happened.  Am I really in a wrong? :( I couldn't stop crying no matter how hard I told myself not to. But its just so damn difficult. no one understand how i feel. I cant even cry out loud. its such a torture :(  and people kept rubbing salt onto my wound. Its so damn pain!  What exactly have I done? why is this happening? WHYYYYYYYYYY???????!!!!!!


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Things that I've yet to learn...

1. Learn to be alone; learn to be lonely, because sometimes somebody or no one will be there for you forever. Afterall, I came to this world alone.

2. Learn to cherish, cherish whatever that I have, whatever I once have, whatever I used to have.

3. Learn to be thankful. Thankful for what I have now and what I used to have. Although its a pity that somethings come and go, but be thankful that I once have that beautiful and sad memories. Its part of my life, and there's a long way to go in my life. It may be difficult, but as long as I'm alive, I have to move on. I believe god will still be nice to me in another way or so.

4. Learn to be strong, learn to smile at myself and cry for myself. Because no one will be there to cry with me or for me. No one will ever know how I'm feeling, I need to be strong.

its difficult though, but I can only encourage myself with all these words. I've no one by my side now, but life still goes on. Although I hope that things can go back to how they use to be, but sometimes my wishes do not come true too, no matter how hard I prayed each day.

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I cant believe that for these 8days, I'm tearing everyday, every hour. Been acting like a fool, checking my phone every 20mins or so. Been waiting for something that never seems to happen. Sigh, Im tired from all this. I told myself to be strong, to live independently, yet, my heart doesnt seems to listen to what I said. Time will heal everything right? I should learn to let go what does not belongs to me in the first place.

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Felt so empty. I'm no longer someone that is nineteen years old who could still be alittle immature. I'm twenty, and I need to learn to handle my problems and emotions on my own. So this is the feeling of growing up, into an adult? I hate this feeling. I wanna go school, and I meant JC or Secondary where I look forward to study and have fun with my friends. Its like my second home. Currently, I feel so lost in this world, seems like there's no other place for me to seek comfort except my home. Yet no one can truly understand how I feel for this past few months. I want a friend whom I can pour all my feelings out without feeling embarrassed or whatsoever. I do have one actually, but its so difficult to start conveying my thoughts to that person too. Why is this happening to me?!?! I used to enjoy my life every single seconds and have never once hated my life before, but this is happening to me now:(  Just whats the theory behind all this? I couldn't imagine how much I have cried during this July period. Few months ago, I still have a part time job where I manage to find some fun in it. but now, i don even feel like working. Seems like my heart is dead, no mood for anything and everything. There's actually still a glimpse of hope in my life every single day when I woke up, something that I can look forward too. However, that person has his/her own life to live too, and can't be by my side every single day. I do understand that, but its heartwrenching when I'm told to get my own life. sighh, MY OWN LIFE? I guess I lost it like 1 year ago. Shouldn't have devoted my time solely to one, I should have continue living my own life at the same time too. In the end, I realised I became too clingy. sighh, wat to do now?

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I had a simple dream, a really simple dream which I just realised a few days ago. I just want t lead a simple life, but will my dream ever come true? something that I hold on tightly for so long, I don wanna lose. Its just too precious to me:(

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I wanna run away, run away to a far far away place whr no one knows me; a place whr i can put everything aside; a place whr i can set my mind at ease. BUT, there won be such a place in this world. I have to be strong, I need to walk out of my own world. YET, I couldnt find the courage to do so...
whats the use of crying whn no one knows how ur feeling?

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ppl, why are u all so clever? how did u all manage t survive through it? all of u have overcome the obstacle, but here i am trying t overcome it now! i feel so left out! no motivation at all! ppl are enjoying themselves, but i cant! so damn tiring! i so sick of studying! rlly! i accomplished nth over all these years! i feel so retarded! so damn not practical! life suck! studying suck! could time pass faster? please! i'm suffocating now!
nagging could be heard every single day. i've so damn tons of work t do, but, i'm nt in the mood t do anything! don feel like gg out, unless its meeting him. everything seems so useless, so boring. i wanna get everything done, i wanna change the environment or maybe the ambience of my room. i wanna change the way i look at things; the way i see things. i wanna change my brain, i wann t be someone who is more knowledgeable; someone who has high self-esteem; someone with more confidence in whatever things she does. yet all seem so impossible, so far away!
every single day, i stared at my study desk, not knowing what t do. homework, assignments seem t be calling out for me. i took them out, yet thr's no energy in my hand t start writing, no engine in my brain t start thinking. nth! and so another day passed with me accomplishing nth again:( life sucks! or maybe i'm the one who suck! i use t grumble during exam periods why cant time ticks slower; so i could study more. but now, time seem so slow n yet i refuse t make use of the time t study! my room seems t be in a mess! even my brain, my heart seem t be in a mess too! lots of things undone. i feel so damn heavy living in my own house. mom nagged and scream at me t pack my clothes for the oversea trips. and surprisingly this time round, i'm nt as excited as i used t be whenever its time t go for any oversea trip. i rmbed i would carefully plan wat clothes i would wan t wear on different days and even try those clothes out at home to see if they match. but this time round, the passion isn't thr anymore.
i love going out during hols, but this time round, i'm so damn lazy t even go out with my mom. i throw my tantrum when i'm out with her:( the only thing tt i look forward to is going out with him, study with him and have fun out tgt! but... i cant even go out often! :'(

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shared frappe and cheese cake with him! :D



went t 313 somerset with dear today! :D movie first. watched bruce lee and i cried towards the end of the movie. sympathies bruce lee's friends and was touched by their friendship! went for lunch then shopping at ion orchard! bought jeans from mango and shorts from osmose. tea time at tcc! heh! omg! so damn happy! i'm like jumping for joy when i'm with him! miss him so much! but i hate it when time passes by so fast whenever i'm with him:( LOVE GOING OUT WITH HIM THO! :D :D :D

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i know all of you are disappointed with me. but do know that i struggle alot to come out with this decision. i hope u all can understand. rlly! I've been always struggling between this two. and trust me, either way won make me feel good too. bcos i know i would have let down the other party. but i rlly need, and i should do it. bcos tt's wat couples normally do. if one day u all are in a r/s, u all will understand too. now tt i don have much time t spare so i wanna spend every single time i've with him. of cos, tt's not saying tt i won spend time with u all too. But, its rlly normal for couples to behave in this way tho. i don wana disappoint both parties, but sometimes, something need t be done this way. i'm sorry if i hurt all of ur hearts. but i also hurt his heart too! :( idw things to turn out worst anymore. so please, i know ur are disappointed with me, but give me some time t manage both friendship n r/s well kay? as u all know, i cant rlly juggle between this two. so yup, give me time. n i know u all will understand me one day too. i'm glad bcos ash was in a r/s so he always know why i did all this. but nevertheless i need all of ur support too. BUT, priorities need t be set right, and so he will also come in first and because when there's someone in your heart, your heart will naturally go to tt person and wants to spend your life with that person-that's human and that's love...
i'm sorry t every single one of you, including him!


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Be careful not to fall prey to your own idealism today, Pisces. While this is one of your most admirable qualities, as it contributes to your romantic, creative nature, too much of anything can be harmful. It's important to see things as they are, despite how much you may wish them to be different. The real world doesn't always go hand in hand with your ideal place. If something feels off, it probably is. Trust your instincts.


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letter from him:D

cards tt i made for him.


i made this with his initials for him.

little cutie bear from hs!




USS

its our second month today:D and we went Universal Studio t spent our significant day thr!
loved the day, the place and of cos LOVE HIM!!! supposed t meet at 9.50am at harbour front station but i was late:( ard 10am then reach. took bus RWS8 thr and we finally reach USS! WOOHOOO! we put our bags in lockers for fear tt it will be too hassle if we were t take rides later. and we got t keep our gifts for eachother in a safe place:D

our first station: FAR FAR AWAY; shrek 4-D adventure:D
i love tt! its so damn coool. its kind of like the fourth t fifth time i'm watching 4-D maybe. but its even more exciting when i get t watch it with my bf tho:D haha, bcos the feelin is rlly different.

we went t ancient egypt after tt. tried out on the treasure hunters and revenge of the mummy! i must say tt the total darkness of tt indoor roller coaster with unexpected turns n face t face with the mummies are just so unforgettable. its a psychological thrill ride tt i would nv forget, especially when hs is beside me((: we even went for a second round after we've tried out almost all the attractions!

had our dinner at marty's casa del wild and again i didn't finish the food again:( after we watched the shows all tt, we went t have orea cream chez cake:)) nice!!!
went t other attractions as well such as lights, camera, action! hosted by steven spielberg; waterworld; enchanted airways and lastly jurassic park rapids adventure:D we got wet while we were on the river raft ride despite buying the ponchos! LOL! and the staff member even said tt by buying ponchos, we will be saved from gettin wet! wat bullshit, our shoes and hair are wet can! hs's jeans are wet too:(
the feeling is just so different when u go t a theme park with either ur bf or gf. its totally different from gg with families all tt. i just love walking hand in hand with him:D took lots of pics! but yup, thr's those secrets pics tt cant be shared with the public. haha ( don think the wrong way, its definitely not wat u all are thinking bout! xd)

we left USS at around 6.4opm with some attractions not being tried out, cos we are leaving it for our second visits(: exchanges gifts and took RWS8 back t vivo. walked around and i hate t say goodbye t him again:(((

but nevertheless, its another memorable day tt both of us wouldn't forget! I LOVE YOU HONGSHIH! ♥ ♥ ♥

Labels: USS

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will be taking back all the papers on next wed! damn worried! but I reckon that I kind of did quite well as compared to last year. at least, my physic improved yea?
I really hope that math and econs could pass. As for physic, I'm don't really have the confidence in passing; but overall at least I'll pass for physic rite? since i passed all my lecture test. Chem, not much confidence too:( this is so saddening. I shouldn't be worry about my results at all but instead I should have lots of confidence in it. this goes to show tt I still lack the skills and not fully prepared for my promos. nevertheless, I'm sure I'm able t deliver good news t everyone and proudly say tt I GET PROMOTED! I can right? I can do it right? please, let my fulfill my second wish! please!

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been hanging out everyday after sch with dear(: went t lots of places; plaza sing, the cathay, city hall, amk hub, dear's house n bugis! :D
we went t catch lots of movies- life as you know it, takers n the child's eyes! do some window shopping n went arcade n played lan! OMGGG! I'm addicted t CS again! hahah! I shall play lan again some other day!

went t his hse on thurs(21oct 10) tho! really love the scenery n the exterior design of the condo! OMGGG! love his hse ttm:D I feel as if i entered into the resort world when i saw the exterior design of the condo. as in the feeling tt the condo gave was different from those tt i went before. next, his hse! his family owns two unit on the same level. so before i went t his hse, we stay put at the other unit first, where his drum sets are there. his maid cooked nasi lemak for us:D nice! but i feel bad for not finishing the food n didn't help up with the dish-washing( cos dear said put it there!) hahah! went t his 'drum studio' and we started t view each other (childhood) pictures! LOL! his rlly cute when he's young! I'm very cute when i'm a toddler tooo! haha. his dad went out at ard 3plus, so we went t his hse n I greeted his maid. entered his room and its so damn neat n tidy at a glance! ^^ love the design n layout of his room-so cozy:D we have lots of fun tho, trying t tickle each other n the mischievious side of me surfaced again as I used his msn account n chatted with his friends!!!! HAHAHAH :P love his bed cos its rlly comfortable! (:
P.S. feel like we are newly-weds when I'm at his hse, bcos we somehow act like one too! :p

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yay~ i'm at his house suing his laptop now(: his condo looks damn niceee! tt resort world feel. love his house so much tooo! and his room! so damn cozy and neat(: don wanna leave his hse:(

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ohwell! I wish i could rlly do well for this year promo! I can do it right? yup! I CAN! :D

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what should i do? i think i'm such a failure, a sucker and whatever u all can think of. This cant go on for life man! I seriously need change the attitude of mine! wat lousy shit is this? wat stupid crap of attitude and character this is? ombloodyhell, this crappy mouth n thinking of mine should change seriously! I rlly dk wats wrong with me, but yup, a mistake surface again, after the other subsidies. just whats wrong with me? why should i always be the spoiler? why i cant i maintain the ambience as it is? whats the freaking problem with me? WHAT??? tell me wHAT!!!!
i don have the right t be unhappy or watsoever even if i feel sad or hurt, becos, i'm in the wrong. sigh. this cant continue forever man, but idk wat ican do t change for the better. i shal try my best then.

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no sch for us on friday(15OCT 10), so went city hall with hs. meet him at ard 9.30 at lc mrt station and trained t city hall. walked ard city link, and sat down t chat(: went marina square, not much ppl thr! YAY!!! haha. we shopped ard the shops looking at clothes, books, soft toys etc! after tt, we stood rooted at a spot n started huggin each other, chatting bout lots of stuff. later, Hs took out his jacket n I wore it! omg! his jacket look damn nice n fashion! (: love his jacket ttm! and I love the feeling of being in his arms, i just feel so blissful, so heaven! later at ard 12 sth we went t have our lunch. after lunch, we went t suntec city n started gg t the arcade! :D its my first time gg arcade with only a guy! we played shootin, drumming and catching of soft toys(and of cos we didn't succeed!) he kept wanting me t dance in front of him using the machine at the arcade, but i simply refused t do it, cos i felt damn ps doing it infront of him, and i suck at it too! haha! BUT! Hs is damn cool at shootin n drumming too! he looks so cool when he's doing all those stuff! lol:D saw ash n francs on our way down t level one. lol! What a coincidence! we went t shop for soccer clothes too, cos hs loves soccer:D went coffee n toast t have our tea break before gg home! n we have our jacket exchange, so tt it feel as if we are beside each other when we are at home! haha!
anyway, I simply love the feeling of being by his side, holding his hands walking round at shopping mall, even tho we are doing nth! the feelin is just so great, and i feel so blissful! being hugged by him made me fly t the sky too! omgosh! guess, tt's the power of love? making ppl go crazy! miss him so much!! <3 <3 <3

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FML! i just cant believe it tt I cant even relax even after exams! right after exams man?! what's going on now? wth! i've been wanting t watch lots of on9 dramas, variety show n movies. but bcos i know its exam periods n tt exams are impt, so i kept telling myself tt, 'nvm tracy, just endure, and and after exams you can do everything you wan. exams are impt. they determine your life. youtube, facebook all tt can wait. so yup. focus on wats impt now!' but, i didn't get what t enjoy life after exams! this suck! FML man! i nv use this F word unless i'm rlly angry! this rlly suck! how i wish i can pack my bag now, n leave this hse! but not forever of cos! i just wan my parents t know tt i have everyright t enjoy life after exams. n tt i'll still manage my time well between studies n playtime. i know, i might not do well for promo, or maybe the worst, got kick out of the sch. but still i did my best. n i wanna give myself a treat after all those hardwork tt i put in. so yup. please don deprive me from my freedom n happiness! i rlly need them t survive well!
i'm thinking if thr's any workshop tt i can send my parents t 'upgrade' on their mindset! its 21st century, they nd t rlly know wat their child needs, and how n why their child behave in this way! omg! They are great n awesome in other aspects but when it came t after exams period n studies all that, they suck! oh my holy shit! :((( i cant believe tt i'm 18 but i deprived from the life tt a 18thyr old child should lead! FML! this is rllly unfair man! i need a rest. and not just rest by slping early. i need entertainment after being kept in seclusion for almost 9mths! sigh!

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ended sch at ard 10.20am tday, so we decided t meet each other at bishan mrt station at 11am. CRAZZIES first outing on thurs(14 oct 10) we went dhoby to catch a movie 'life as you know it'! damn funny! ash brought along his gf, while I brought hs along too! we had our lunch at KFC, unfortunately, i had cramps at this stupid timing! so ended up, i didn't eat much for lunch! :( hs was at a loss, he didn't kno wat to do. but its okay, as long as he's beside me when i'm in pain or watever, its good enough alr! By holding my hands, somehow gives me the courage t move on and able t recover soon too!(: after lunch our clique went seperate ways. ash, francs n meng went pooling, ql n yvonne went t shop ard ps too, buying lots of stuff, while hs n I stayed a while longer at KFC cos i'm still in pain, after tt then we went t walk round ps n the cathay.

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oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah hey! oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah ho! haha!
PROMO IS FINALLY OVER! :D
but honestly speaking, i feel neither excited or depress. just neutral. LOLS! but i only had one wish now! one important wish tt i hope it can be fufilled! i don yearn for more, just let me promote n its fine! i think i put in much more effort than i did last year, rlly! n all the results before i take the promo are actually quite high too! so yup, please, fufilled my dreams for once! :D

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settled!!!! (((:
i shall concentrate on my studies nowww! cos promo is cominggg! in bout 3 days!
omggggg!

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